I’m a little embarrassed by how long it’s been since my last update. I am the queen of mental text replies, so this accidental absence isn’t totally off brand. However, when I told a friend I’ve been meaning to update the blog, she responded “I think your absence is indicative of how hard all of this is and where are you are right now”. My jaw hit the floor – YES QUEEN (my friends never cease to amaze me with their infinite wisdom). This is HARD. I’m such an action oriented person that my first instinct is to just put my head down and power through, but it makes for a hell of time when you are required to stop and look around. I’m in that “stop and look around” period right now and, while it’s physically easier, it’s a bit of a mental doozy.

I finished Taxol on December 14th, which was a total grind. Taxol is both easier and harder than AC. Easier because the sessions are shorter and there were no pills needed to manage side-effects at home, but harder because sessions were weekly for 12 weeks AND I had to ice my hands and feet during the hour-long infusion to combat neuropathy. I started going alone because Rory was taking so much time off of work to come with me that he had to work nights and some weekends. It’s not that I couldn’t have found another willing soul to come with me to chemo. The truth is, I didn’t want to feel like I had to entertain someone. If you’re going through chemo, give yourself permission to go by yourself, if you can and want to. Having company at these things can be complicated – you’re not exactly in a position to be a good hang. The cryotherapy mittens meant I couldn’t use my hands to play games and was generally so uncomfortable by the whole situation that I was too distracted to be a good conversationalist. The one thing I could do was watch shows. Going alone ended up being awesome – I cruised through the entirety of Suits and had zero guilt for dragging someone downtown and then not being good company. That said, I am so grateful to my friends who joined me for my AC sessions. I literally couldn’t have gotten through those treatments without you guys.

After finishing Chemo, they wanted me to take at least a 4 week break before starting radiation, which was awesome because it meant no treatment over the holidays. Now, I wasn’t completely sold on radiation. Around this time I’d started seeking second and third opinions on whether or not I’d need it. It seemed logical to assume that my microscopic cancer was obliterated by the Red Devil, so why radiate healthy tissue?? Unfortunately, we cannot be 100% sure I’m cancer free without additional surgery because the cancer left post-mastectomy was too small to show up on a scan. While radiation only gives me a 5% less chance of recurrence, it’s hard to deny that 5% when we’re talking about my life. It’s a lot harder to fight cancer if it recurs, so the sentiment across the board was to fight with everything we can now. So, I start radiation on February 26th and will go for 3 weeks of treatment.

I’m using this downtime between treatments to research what I can do to take my health into my own hands beyond conventional treatments. Prior to my diagnosis, I was a healthy eater (by American standards, which might not be saying much) and worked out regularly, but that clearly wasn’t enough to set my immune system up for success. And, if I’m being honest, many of my healthy habits fell off after I stopped marathoning and had kids. So, I’m incorporating radical diet and exercise changes to see how they affect my body. Since there aren’t tests that will detect my cancer in it’s current state, I’m using glucose as a barometer of my overall health. The overwhelming consensus is to limit sugar so I’m wearing a CGM (continuous glucose monitor) to see how my dietary and exercise choice affect my glucose levels. It’s a lot and certainly isn’t easy, but if it keeps me healthy it’ll be worth it.